Barn Dressing

So I had some success this weekend. I haven't been able to shop at Dress Barn Woman in probably 10 years because their clothes don't run big enough. This weekend I was able to shop there and walk away with 2 shirts, one of which I'm wearing right now. It's a small victory but it felt really good to hit a milestone - emotional milestone and those can sometimes mean more than numbers.

Getting ready to travel for work. Could be 1 1/2 weeks out. Could be 3 1/2 weeks out. Motivation is high. Is there anything more frightful to a bigger person than having to get on a plane?

Now a positive note from our sponser

I put on a size 20 skirt today and wore it all day without ripping out any seams. That's a plus.

Waiting to die

I have to get this weight off. Ever feel like you are just waiting to die? I often find myself saying to myself "when I lose the weight"...now it doesn't really stop me from doing all that much that I want to do..but it often feels like I have this vision of how the life will go once its off. Unreal expectations, maybe..

What prompted this doom and gloom, you ask? I had to contact an old friend for something. Only to hear she's got a new house in the works, working full time, blogging, has her own website, is teaching part time online courses, and has written 2 books since I've talked to her last.

God I feel like a failure.

Number Crunch

I firmly believe that there is a fundamental difference between people that have weight issues and those that do not. No, not the obvious differences. I'm talking about how one relates time to something else in our head. I think that non-weighty people view events in terms of age or years. "When we went to San Francisco, I was 32 years old." or "When we vacationed in Turkey it was 2008."

But people that have weight issues relate events to their weight. Or maybe it's just me that does that but I really doubt it. So my current goal is 260 and here is what I can relate to the 260 number.
260 is the weight:

• I was at when I moved to Seattle
  
• My lowest while dating Brian
  
• My surgery weight
  

Legs, Thighs, Breasts, and Wrists?

So my roundness is a little less round. I keep track of my weight on a calendar that hangs on my bathroon door. I look at those numbers and can't believe they are going down. I don't feel like I'm in those numbers - I feel higher. But my clothes support those number changes. My favorite periwinkle blue tank top? The straps won't stay up on my shoulders. That's good because when my weight is up, I feel like a linebacker with these broad shoulders. So they've gotten smaller. Also, my wrists have gotten smaller along with my fingers. Now, my head knows its proportionate weight loss all over, but really?? My wrists? Can't it come from somewhere else first?

New Goal = Pink Jewels

Why yes, I did hit my last goal. My bracelet is on the *weigh*. Here is my next trinket for my 260 goal.

Shhhhhh it's top secret

Why is it that you can't talk about your weight loss with your friends? They get this weird quiet reaction like they don't know what to say, or they have doubts as to if you will keep it off, so its best not to say anything. So every time I mention it, I regret doing so. It's like you have to have a subset of friends just for losing weight to act as a seperate support system, because fuck if they will say positive to you, if they bother to say anything at all. I really don't understand espcially when I am supportive of their drama, weight loss, man issues, etc...I visit them in the hospital..but when I tell you I've lost xx pounds, I get nothing at all. When I'm in the hospital, the Browns game is of more importance.

Good News

Lots of doom and gloom lately...so here is some good news..When my sister and mom drove in to the airport to pick me up, my sister didn't recognize me. She told my mom that person was too skinny to be me.

I'm getting my second bag of clothes ready to go to the goodwill. They are too big.

Unwilling

So I've had some swallowing issues for about 2 weeks. I had lap band surgery a year and a half ago ...gained 40 pounds after the surgery, and have now lost around 30 of that. But 2 weeks ago I started having this feeling like I couldn't swallow anything but liquid. I was unable to control when I swallowed, so food would slip down my throat leaving me with a feeling like I was about to choke. Since I was on vacation, I couldn't do much about it. I started eating ice cream and soups. And put on a few in the meantime.

Today I saw my surgeon who believes my band has slipped. He sucked out all the fluid and I am now on a strict diet for 3 weeks. NOTHING but protein drinks. Now this sucks because my birthday was yesterday. Of course the nurse was yelling at me for not being more active in the whole "community" and such - I expected that. What really sucks is that I was self-pay. I shelled out $16,000 for the surgery. What happens if it has slipped and this diet doesn't correct the placement? Will insurance cover a second surgery? It is worrisome. It's going to be a long 3 weeks.

Ohh the title of my post? The nurse wrote "unwilling" on my chart when she had asked me about drinking and eating at the same time. Of course that really is the bottom line to why the surgery hasn't been successful..when I saw that I thought "isn't there a better way to more accurate summarize this than 'unwilling'?" and then I couldn't find one. It's true. I have been unwilling to correct that habbit.

Vacation Goal

Heading to MN (home) for 8 days tomorrow. I am at 270.8 this morning. So close to my goal of 270 - so I can get myself a shiny new bracelet. My goal for this vacation is to not gain anything. That's all.

Goodwill Hunting

Today a friend and I headed off to a local GoodWill store to find a cheap paperback for my trip this weekend. Since I am having carpal tunnel issues with the new chair work bought me, I sat down in an office chair they had for sale. As I leaned back, it went back further than I expected, and it bumped a 7' tall empty bookshelf that was directly behind. This thing toppled like a house of cards. It went right on over and hit the floor with a loud bang that echoed off the walls. Before it hit the floor, I was running to get out of the line of sight, as I knew what was going to happen. Now, I don't think that the size of my ass had anything to do with this event, but you can't help but feel as big as a house after being completely mortified.

19 1/2 stone

Today I hit 19 1/2 stone. That equates to 273 pounds. I feel pretty good about that but it's certainly slower than I want. I have more success with watching what I eat than I do with working out. I'm about to change out my clothes to size 24 -- within 10 pounds of that happening I'd say. All clothes are cut differently but that's about what I'd guess. I searched online today for "size 24" and found a couple of things. ...

1. This article which I liked about a plus size traveler
http://www.guardian.co.uk/travel/2003/nov/16/mexico.observerescapesection

2. Her article referenced a plus-size resort in Mexico. Freedom Paradise - where all of their ads feature average sized people.
http://www.freedomparadise.com/

*sigh*...

Scales and Charts

I'm so frustrated with the up/down. It's such a progressive thing for me. Little by little. Of course I know I have bad days and if I skip meds, the water weight comes back. I was expecting low 270s today.

-Disheartened

Jillian - May Family

Watch Jillian's show last night. I was kind of shocked by what I saw. This 295 pound 54 year old lost 74 pounds in 8 weeks. Isn't that insane? That's like twice the results of gastric bypass surgery. I'm less than her starting weight, but for me to lose 4 pounds a week, without considering exercise, I have to limit to around 1000 calories. So she was taking in something like 500 plus working out. I'm completely floored and jealous of course, but it's so fast. How fast is too fast? I yo-yo constantly with about 5 pounds. Obviously she did something that worked for her, but damn that's really fast weight loss.

Summertime Fun with Subway

For anyone who has ever eyeballed a beach chair and said a small prayer before sliding into it....I know how you feel. Reasons 111, 112, 113, and 114 for me to lose some weight are shown in the new summertime Subway commercial.

Potatoes are my personal devil

I love potatoes. In Idaho, they grown them as big as your head. That should be their slogan. Too bad they taste so good and are so hard to stop eating. I had my foot fixed up by the Dr. the other day and I didn't have the foresight to hit the grocery store ahead of time. Now, I can't step on my foot without literally seeing stars. So last night I was checking out how many calories I had left for my day and what I could pick up on the way home. And it astounded me how many calories the potatoes have. So I started searching out of curiosity...

Potato Chips = 1 oz. = 140 cal
Mashed = 1/2 cup = 111 cal
Burger king fries = small = 230
Burger king hash rounds = large = 390
McDonalds hashbrowns = 1 = 150
Arby's curly fries = large = 600

They say that enjoying in moderation is the key. For me, I think I'll just try to avoid this one as 1 is just too hard for me.

Goodwill donation station

I've got the first bag of oversized clothes ready to go to Good Will. I'm not keeping them. It's time to purge and I don't mean that in a upchucking kind of way. Nope, I won't need those clothes again. I wore my favorite purple shirt today for the last time. It's way way too freaking big. So I came home and shoved it in the bag. Does it make me a bad person to throw my dirty shirt in the goodwill bag?

I hope someone gets a good deal on those clothes and loves them. Including my soiled purple shirt.

CL angry ranting!!!!

Craigslist seems to attract those who like to under-punctuate by lacking to use commas and periods and is robust with those who like to speak in exclamations.

I was perusing the CL posts as usual, partially from boredom, partially from seeing what is out there, and partially casually looking to see if anyone interesting is out there. I went into the rants and raves section and just for kicks and giggles, searched for BBW. I was pretty shocked at what the Orlando people have to say about BBWs...

Ladies...quit using BBW in your ads....you are FAT Get over it. There is nothing beautiful about being fat

Why are all these fat so-call BBW ladies posting on craigslist is looking for attractive, educated and smart men. You are fat and if you are old and fat that two strike.
You should be looking for a blind man, take what you can find or loose some of that nasty fat. BBW is not beautiful it's nasty..

Ok this is me being real.

A: I am fat. I am beautiful. Would they prefer if I called myself a FBW instead? Actually I think that stands for something already, so suck it.

B. I have posted on CL before. I have posted looking specifically for someone attractive, educated, and smart. That would be because I am attractive, educated, and smart. What a concept.

I have this coworker that feels the need to criticize the population that isn't modelesque. He sports a beer belly (actually vegan junk food belly) the size of a full round basketball. This guy looks like he's pregnant. My point? I'm coming to it...be patient..The people that often times are the most critical are the ones who they themselves lack near-sighted vision. Take a look in the mirror pal and all you pals on CL. Why all the anger? Obviously you've never been addicted to anything before like smoking, sex, weed, alcohol, or food. Because you are perfect. I wish I had rose-tinted glasses too.

!!!!!!

Mean frat boys

Let's face it. I work with a bunch of frat boys. 20-30 somethings that are extremely attractive, fit, with enormous attitudes. One on one they are cool, but when the testosterone doubles, triples, quadruples, or more..they turn into a bunch of whiny punk ass bitches.

Today at the all hands meeting, we have one very large gentleman on staff. He's probably in the 350 range at least - not that it matters...But he had to get up and make his way to the front of the room. When he sat back down, these idiots made noises like his chair was breaking.

I wonder what they do/say about me behind my back....