Highway 305

Headed towards 305 right now. weighed in today at 310.0. I think today it really hit me how much I weigh. I'm not used to seeing numbers in the 300s and the shock of it really hit home. I hope it won't be long 2-3 weeks before I'm not in the 300s anymore.

Last night I had a soap making class. I worried about the chairs, then I worried about sliding off the chair. Then I worried about breaking the chair every time the thing creaked beneath me. Then I worried about passing people in the class because of where they were standing...was there enough room for me to get by them? This is running and ruining my life.

Dining Out

I think that all hostesses should be taught some people skills. If a large person enters your restaurant and wants to be seated, why do you take them to the tinniest booth in the place or a place that is so crowded with people, tables, and chairs that it resembles an airliner. Moreso than that, why do my friends not understand that going out to eat is traumatic for me. First of all there is the fear of being seated "will i fit in that booth?" as I eyeball all the tables around. Second, if I eat out, I will blow my diet. It only takes eating out a single time for me to remember how good food is and how much I miss it. And once that starts, it's so damn hard for me to catch it and stop it. Like a runaway train.

The only answer is for me to lose some and to watch what I eat when dining out. If I make salads an option, then that is better for me in more ways than one. And to lose some weight so I fit in the damn booths. Eventually maybe I won't have anxiety about being seated at all. That's a long road ahead of me but today has been good to me.

Dread

I have become the person that others don't want to be. They look at me not with pity but with disgust. I ordered a box of Nutrisystem again today. When I stick to it, it works. My point of no return is eating out. Once I start, I can't stop and it continues day after day until the scale starts to go up and up again. Why is it that the thing I want the most is so damn elusive to me? I'm at my wits end.

Everything hurts

I'm surprised that my weight has ballooned back up into the 300's. What is even more surprising is how freaking tired I am all the time and how even the smallest amount of exercise wears me out. I used to go for walks every night and I miss that. I was up to 30 min on the elliptical. Now I can pull out 10 with a mighty effort. I'm looking forward to getting some of this off so I can just plain move easier.

YoYo

yes, I yoyo'd. Exactly as they say you will do. These days I'm on Nutrisystem. Because I'm mostly vegetarian, the food is limited and I'm pretty tired of the mushroom risotto and pizza offerings. I have ballooned back up...topping out at 314 earlier last week. Now in the 309 range. I can't believe I went over 300 again. Totally depressing. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and just can't believe it. I started putting it on last September or so with a trip to Miami. Got a taste for food that I could not stop.

Now I have a plane trip coming up again in about 3 weeks. I should be able to shed 10 or so pounds by then if I keep on it. I'm trying with food - not exercise yet. That'll kick in eventually.

Goal for 250

It's so beautiful and badass. Perfect treat for 250. That's not quite 20 pounds away. Maybe I will wear it for Thanksgiving. That's about a month away

Gotta get back on it

So tired...Gotta do something. Spent 30 minutes on the elliptical on Monday. That's a haul for me on that thing. Normally I do 10 or 15 minutes at a crack..and crack it only a couple of times a week. Weight down a bit over the past few days since I've been making an effort and eating out less. That's good. I need a kickstart. 260 is in sight and that's a big elusive goal to me.

Barn Dressing

So I had some success this weekend. I haven't been able to shop at Dress Barn Woman in probably 10 years because their clothes don't run big enough. This weekend I was able to shop there and walk away with 2 shirts, one of which I'm wearing right now. It's a small victory but it felt really good to hit a milestone - emotional milestone and those can sometimes mean more than numbers.

Getting ready to travel for work. Could be 1 1/2 weeks out. Could be 3 1/2 weeks out. Motivation is high. Is there anything more frightful to a bigger person than having to get on a plane?

Now a positive note from our sponser

I put on a size 20 skirt today and wore it all day without ripping out any seams. That's a plus.

Waiting to die

I have to get this weight off. Ever feel like you are just waiting to die? I often find myself saying to myself "when I lose the weight"...now it doesn't really stop me from doing all that much that I want to do..but it often feels like I have this vision of how the life will go once its off. Unreal expectations, maybe..

What prompted this doom and gloom, you ask? I had to contact an old friend for something. Only to hear she's got a new house in the works, working full time, blogging, has her own website, is teaching part time online courses, and has written 2 books since I've talked to her last.

God I feel like a failure.

Number Crunch

I firmly believe that there is a fundamental difference between people that have weight issues and those that do not. No, not the obvious differences. I'm talking about how one relates time to something else in our head. I think that non-weighty people view events in terms of age or years. "When we went to San Francisco, I was 32 years old." or "When we vacationed in Turkey it was 2008."

But people that have weight issues relate events to their weight. Or maybe it's just me that does that but I really doubt it. So my current goal is 260 and here is what I can relate to the 260 number.
260 is the weight:

• I was at when I moved to Seattle
  
• My lowest while dating Brian
  
• My surgery weight
  

Legs, Thighs, Breasts, and Wrists?

So my roundness is a little less round. I keep track of my weight on a calendar that hangs on my bathroon door. I look at those numbers and can't believe they are going down. I don't feel like I'm in those numbers - I feel higher. But my clothes support those number changes. My favorite periwinkle blue tank top? The straps won't stay up on my shoulders. That's good because when my weight is up, I feel like a linebacker with these broad shoulders. So they've gotten smaller. Also, my wrists have gotten smaller along with my fingers. Now, my head knows its proportionate weight loss all over, but really?? My wrists? Can't it come from somewhere else first?

New Goal = Pink Jewels

Why yes, I did hit my last goal. My bracelet is on the *weigh*. Here is my next trinket for my 260 goal.

Shhhhhh it's top secret

Why is it that you can't talk about your weight loss with your friends? They get this weird quiet reaction like they don't know what to say, or they have doubts as to if you will keep it off, so its best not to say anything. So every time I mention it, I regret doing so. It's like you have to have a subset of friends just for losing weight to act as a seperate support system, because fuck if they will say positive to you, if they bother to say anything at all. I really don't understand espcially when I am supportive of their drama, weight loss, man issues, etc...I visit them in the hospital..but when I tell you I've lost xx pounds, I get nothing at all. When I'm in the hospital, the Browns game is of more importance.

Good News

Lots of doom and gloom lately...so here is some good news..When my sister and mom drove in to the airport to pick me up, my sister didn't recognize me. She told my mom that person was too skinny to be me.

I'm getting my second bag of clothes ready to go to the goodwill. They are too big.

Unwilling

So I've had some swallowing issues for about 2 weeks. I had lap band surgery a year and a half ago ...gained 40 pounds after the surgery, and have now lost around 30 of that. But 2 weeks ago I started having this feeling like I couldn't swallow anything but liquid. I was unable to control when I swallowed, so food would slip down my throat leaving me with a feeling like I was about to choke. Since I was on vacation, I couldn't do much about it. I started eating ice cream and soups. And put on a few in the meantime.

Today I saw my surgeon who believes my band has slipped. He sucked out all the fluid and I am now on a strict diet for 3 weeks. NOTHING but protein drinks. Now this sucks because my birthday was yesterday. Of course the nurse was yelling at me for not being more active in the whole "community" and such - I expected that. What really sucks is that I was self-pay. I shelled out $16,000 for the surgery. What happens if it has slipped and this diet doesn't correct the placement? Will insurance cover a second surgery? It is worrisome. It's going to be a long 3 weeks.

Ohh the title of my post? The nurse wrote "unwilling" on my chart when she had asked me about drinking and eating at the same time. Of course that really is the bottom line to why the surgery hasn't been successful..when I saw that I thought "isn't there a better way to more accurate summarize this than 'unwilling'?" and then I couldn't find one. It's true. I have been unwilling to correct that habbit.

Vacation Goal

Heading to MN (home) for 8 days tomorrow. I am at 270.8 this morning. So close to my goal of 270 - so I can get myself a shiny new bracelet. My goal for this vacation is to not gain anything. That's all.

Goodwill Hunting

Today a friend and I headed off to a local GoodWill store to find a cheap paperback for my trip this weekend. Since I am having carpal tunnel issues with the new chair work bought me, I sat down in an office chair they had for sale. As I leaned back, it went back further than I expected, and it bumped a 7' tall empty bookshelf that was directly behind. This thing toppled like a house of cards. It went right on over and hit the floor with a loud bang that echoed off the walls. Before it hit the floor, I was running to get out of the line of sight, as I knew what was going to happen. Now, I don't think that the size of my ass had anything to do with this event, but you can't help but feel as big as a house after being completely mortified.

19 1/2 stone

Today I hit 19 1/2 stone. That equates to 273 pounds. I feel pretty good about that but it's certainly slower than I want. I have more success with watching what I eat than I do with working out. I'm about to change out my clothes to size 24 -- within 10 pounds of that happening I'd say. All clothes are cut differently but that's about what I'd guess. I searched online today for "size 24" and found a couple of things. ...

1. This article which I liked about a plus size traveler
http://www.guardian.co.uk/travel/2003/nov/16/mexico.observerescapesection

2. Her article referenced a plus-size resort in Mexico. Freedom Paradise - where all of their ads feature average sized people.
http://www.freedomparadise.com/

*sigh*...