Reasons

1. Would like to fit in Valerie's Porsche
2. Would like to go up stairs without taking a break mid-way
3. Want to find me an Andy
4. Want to be less socially awkward
5. Not have to worry about fitting in a booth
6. Not having to eyeball hallways and such for obstacles that would make making it through cleanly impossible
7. Better health
8. Not feel self-conscious when being outside
9. Not have to hide from the neighbors for fear of what they might think
10. Walk at work without worrying about the floor bouncing and disturbing others
11. Be able to get my haircut and not feel bad looking myself in the mirror
12. Be able to go to the dentist or laser place without worrying about the chair
13. Not worry about breaking a message table by leaning on it too hard
14. Wear thinner clothes
15. Shop in a non-plus size store
16. Shop in a plus size (not extended sizes) store
17. Be less grumpy
18. Be able to walk a fair amount without getting tired
19. Be able to stay up past 8pm
20. Have a sex life
21. Not feel ashamed when taking an elevator
22. Be able to take the stairs at work
23. Not obsess about new surgery that I can't afford
24. Get off blood pressure medicine
25. Have less of a hard time in the heat
26. Sweat less
27. Buy clothes that fit me (instead of things that are too big)
28. Not feel self concsious at the grocery store
29. Not die from coworkers in the kitchen
30. Fit into my awesome new biker clothes
31. Have my awesome new biker clothes become too big on me
32. Stop craving sweets
33. Wear my leather skirt
34. Button my leather jacket
35. Wear my blue/black shirt
36. Wear my tights
37. Get rid of back fat
38. Get rid of shelf butt
39. Get nice compliments
40. Feel less conscious at the pool
41. Be less afraid to do things alone
42. Laugh again
43. Smile again

Jean's boots

I have this friend that has been losing weight for months now. She looks fantastic. Of course she says a lot of things about being fat and her fat clothes etc...Makes me irritated as I have 100 pounds on her. Who is she to complain and bitch? But I digress.

She was feeling down this weekend and wanted to do something to make herself feel better. She had the idea of buying this high boots and wearing them with a skirt that would make her look and feel good. I thought it was rather conceited until I remembered that I have one of those outfits in my closet too. It's a black leather skirt in a size 22 or so and a blue/black coresetted top. I need to be around 260 in order to pull that outfit off. Maybe we aren't so different after all.

Mike called

My ex-boyfriend Mike called last night. I haven't talked to him in about 6 months. It was really nice to hear his Southern accent. He asked me if I was dating and I was pretty honest about it but gave the edited version. I don't feel like dating right now because I don't feel sexy or desirable in any way. I made a joke about how when he and Andy left town, they broke me. Well let's see... between Sept of last year and when they left I had gained 35 pounds. From the time they left until now I'm up 15 more. So that statement wasn't correct as it pertains to my weight. My emotions maybe but I guess my weight gain is really my own damn fault.

On the road to 310

Under 315 now..on the road to 310. Good start this week.

All I can say

is start over....I have 51 days before I fly home for Christmas. Is 4 pounds a week for 7 weeks out of the question? That's what Nurisystem puts you at if you don't supplement meals with other food. I'm going to try.

Fear Factor

Last night I ordered out. I gorged myself on salad and some pasta from one of my favorite places. I am afraid to step on the scale these days. I know it's up even further than last week. I want to win the lottery and have the surgery...It'd be the very first thing I'd do with the money. But until then I guess I'd better get with it.

It has of course dawned on me recently that I hate myself, hate the way I look, hate where I am at in my life, and I really hate my job these days. If I can harness all that hatred, maybe I can make an improvement and if that happens, maybe I won't be so down about the job all the time.

2 pigs

What did one pig say to the other? You dressed just like xxxx today. You two could be twins.

How does a pig get off saying that to me?

God I'm in a lousy mood today.

Highway 305

Headed towards 305 right now. weighed in today at 310.0. I think today it really hit me how much I weigh. I'm not used to seeing numbers in the 300s and the shock of it really hit home. I hope it won't be long 2-3 weeks before I'm not in the 300s anymore.

Last night I had a soap making class. I worried about the chairs, then I worried about sliding off the chair. Then I worried about breaking the chair every time the thing creaked beneath me. Then I worried about passing people in the class because of where they were standing...was there enough room for me to get by them? This is running and ruining my life.

Dining Out

I think that all hostesses should be taught some people skills. If a large person enters your restaurant and wants to be seated, why do you take them to the tinniest booth in the place or a place that is so crowded with people, tables, and chairs that it resembles an airliner. Moreso than that, why do my friends not understand that going out to eat is traumatic for me. First of all there is the fear of being seated "will i fit in that booth?" as I eyeball all the tables around. Second, if I eat out, I will blow my diet. It only takes eating out a single time for me to remember how good food is and how much I miss it. And once that starts, it's so damn hard for me to catch it and stop it. Like a runaway train.

The only answer is for me to lose some and to watch what I eat when dining out. If I make salads an option, then that is better for me in more ways than one. And to lose some weight so I fit in the damn booths. Eventually maybe I won't have anxiety about being seated at all. That's a long road ahead of me but today has been good to me.

Dread

I have become the person that others don't want to be. They look at me not with pity but with disgust. I ordered a box of Nutrisystem again today. When I stick to it, it works. My point of no return is eating out. Once I start, I can't stop and it continues day after day until the scale starts to go up and up again. Why is it that the thing I want the most is so damn elusive to me? I'm at my wits end.

Everything hurts

I'm surprised that my weight has ballooned back up into the 300's. What is even more surprising is how freaking tired I am all the time and how even the smallest amount of exercise wears me out. I used to go for walks every night and I miss that. I was up to 30 min on the elliptical. Now I can pull out 10 with a mighty effort. I'm looking forward to getting some of this off so I can just plain move easier.

YoYo

yes, I yoyo'd. Exactly as they say you will do. These days I'm on Nutrisystem. Because I'm mostly vegetarian, the food is limited and I'm pretty tired of the mushroom risotto and pizza offerings. I have ballooned back up...topping out at 314 earlier last week. Now in the 309 range. I can't believe I went over 300 again. Totally depressing. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and just can't believe it. I started putting it on last September or so with a trip to Miami. Got a taste for food that I could not stop.

Now I have a plane trip coming up again in about 3 weeks. I should be able to shed 10 or so pounds by then if I keep on it. I'm trying with food - not exercise yet. That'll kick in eventually.

Goal for 250

It's so beautiful and badass. Perfect treat for 250. That's not quite 20 pounds away. Maybe I will wear it for Thanksgiving. That's about a month away

Gotta get back on it

So tired...Gotta do something. Spent 30 minutes on the elliptical on Monday. That's a haul for me on that thing. Normally I do 10 or 15 minutes at a crack..and crack it only a couple of times a week. Weight down a bit over the past few days since I've been making an effort and eating out less. That's good. I need a kickstart. 260 is in sight and that's a big elusive goal to me.

Barn Dressing

So I had some success this weekend. I haven't been able to shop at Dress Barn Woman in probably 10 years because their clothes don't run big enough. This weekend I was able to shop there and walk away with 2 shirts, one of which I'm wearing right now. It's a small victory but it felt really good to hit a milestone - emotional milestone and those can sometimes mean more than numbers.

Getting ready to travel for work. Could be 1 1/2 weeks out. Could be 3 1/2 weeks out. Motivation is high. Is there anything more frightful to a bigger person than having to get on a plane?

Now a positive note from our sponser

I put on a size 20 skirt today and wore it all day without ripping out any seams. That's a plus.

Waiting to die

I have to get this weight off. Ever feel like you are just waiting to die? I often find myself saying to myself "when I lose the weight"...now it doesn't really stop me from doing all that much that I want to do..but it often feels like I have this vision of how the life will go once its off. Unreal expectations, maybe..

What prompted this doom and gloom, you ask? I had to contact an old friend for something. Only to hear she's got a new house in the works, working full time, blogging, has her own website, is teaching part time online courses, and has written 2 books since I've talked to her last.

God I feel like a failure.

Number Crunch

I firmly believe that there is a fundamental difference between people that have weight issues and those that do not. No, not the obvious differences. I'm talking about how one relates time to something else in our head. I think that non-weighty people view events in terms of age or years. "When we went to San Francisco, I was 32 years old." or "When we vacationed in Turkey it was 2008."

But people that have weight issues relate events to their weight. Or maybe it's just me that does that but I really doubt it. So my current goal is 260 and here is what I can relate to the 260 number.
260 is the weight:

• I was at when I moved to Seattle
  
• My lowest while dating Brian
  
• My surgery weight
  

Legs, Thighs, Breasts, and Wrists?

So my roundness is a little less round. I keep track of my weight on a calendar that hangs on my bathroon door. I look at those numbers and can't believe they are going down. I don't feel like I'm in those numbers - I feel higher. But my clothes support those number changes. My favorite periwinkle blue tank top? The straps won't stay up on my shoulders. That's good because when my weight is up, I feel like a linebacker with these broad shoulders. So they've gotten smaller. Also, my wrists have gotten smaller along with my fingers. Now, my head knows its proportionate weight loss all over, but really?? My wrists? Can't it come from somewhere else first?