Cleared for surgery

I've got my cardiac clearance for surgery. My weight is up to around 340. (tied with Andy now). Now I have to get serious about losing weight before the surgery. My last meal was olive garden. I can't believe how much my mood has changed today. This is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm so excited right now. Things are finally moving when for weeks I felt like it was never going to happen for.

Now I get a surgery date, have to pay, blood work, chest x-ray, nutrition class. It's moving and shaking. Now I need to be to get some weight off so my fatty liver goes down a notch or two.

By the way, the Dr. told me today that I am pre-diabetic. I know that losing 10% of my body weight will help with that. Now I have a goal. 10% of my extra weight is about 20 pounds. Can I do that before my surgery date? Stay tuned.

New Scale

Altough I don't feel like I've lost any weight recently, my new bathroom scale (my old one died) registered in today at 320.6. This will be my new starting point. I want to get to 300 before the surgery.

Old list

I found an old list in a notebook of mine. Since I'm ready to ditch that notebook, I thought I'd copy my thoughts here instead.

* Not feel ashamed when taking an elevator
* Be able to take the stairs everyday
* Get off blood pressure medicine
* Buy clothes that fit me (instead of too big ones)
* Not feel self-conscious at the grocery store
* Get Jason to look at me (he does to everyone else)
* Fit in my awesome new biker clothes
* Not hide from the work kitchen group
* Have my awesome new biker clothes become too big
* Stop craving sweets
* Wear my leather skirt
* Wear my black and blue shirt
* Wear my tights
* Get rid of backfat
* Look nice in a tank top
* Wear high heels
* Make women jealous
* Get nice compliments
* Get rid of shelf ass
* Feel less self-conscious at the pool
* Be less afraid to do things alone

Liquids

I'm starting the Phase 2 diet tomorrow taking in only liquids and dairy starting tomorrow night. This should be good. I plan to go for 2 weeks on this. So far I haven't done so well on Phase 1 (basically cut your meals in half). I find I want to eat everything in sight since I know I will be giving this up after surgery.

Dr. Heart

I saw the cardiologist yesterday. He was a little on the arrogant side but overall pretty decent. I got the feeling that he's seen me in there before (my type), at my wits end, not knowing which way to turn for help to lose some weight, and hoping for a miracle cure. He gave me some shit about the band not working because of diet choices and asked me to explain the upcoming surgery to him. WTF. Whatever dude..desptie what you think I'm going to be the fucking poster child for gastric bypass surgery. That's right bitches. Go ahead and doubt me. It fuels the fire inside of me.

The First Five

So I'm down 5 pounds in 8 days on Nutrisystem. I'm trying to use up the box of food I have so when I have the surgery, I don't have a ton of it sitting around tempting me. Plus my tastes may change, so I hear, and I may not be able to eat the food at all so it'd be a huge waste of money. I found making all of these changes at once was just too damn hard so I'm doing it little by little. Here is a list:
* Eat less
* Drink 80 oz of water every day
* Exercise 30 min or more every day
* Calcium pills
* Vitamins
* Protein, protein, protein
* No carbonated beverages
* No drinking with meals
* No alcohol

Heart Apt.

The next step is an apt with a cardiologist. I have my apt. scheduled for the 25th. So far I've lost .6 of a pound because I found that making all of these changes as one time was near impossible so I am trying to implement things little by little now. I have already given up carbonated beverages. No easy task. This week I am focusing on drinking tea and taking my medications and supplements as I should be. Other things to tackle include: eating less, then moving to adding dairy daily, then adding protein drinks, drinking 80 oz of fluid every day and trying to learn to take smaller sips, adding in exercise, then going full bore into the Phase II diet plan which is mostly liquid protein drinks.

So I'll take that .6 because it shows my first step. I look forward to getting on the scale tomorrow now.

Starting in at....

331.0

That's my start weight. They want me to lose 30 pounds before surgery. So that's probably 10 weeks away then. I have to get bloodwork, a cardiac clearance, an EKG, and other things. I feel so discouraged today. I haven't felt this much like a failure yet. Tomorrow is a new day. Today the diet starts.

Caffine Machine

In preparation for a new lifestyle where caffeinated beverages are non-existant to me, I am cutting back to 1 per day until my surgery day is set. So far (2 days in) I am having severe headaches in the middle of the night. But it's just one little step for me. I will still be able to enjoy flattened sodas but we'll just see how that tastes. It may not be worth it.

Jan 12th

My insurance turned me down for WLS. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. That is what I figured would happen. No mention of a 6 month nutrition program like some people, just flat out denial.

The next step is to get with the surgeon and discuss the surgery options. My apt. is Jan 12th. That feels like such a long ways away. It's 3 weeks for crap's sake. So much for getting surgery 6 weeks into the process. Lies... So I wait for the 12th to roll around.

Christmas Party Hell

Today I skipped my work Christmas party. Because of my weight and how I feel about myself. I hid in my cube until someone peeked in and guilted me into joining the food line. I had a decent lunch and didn't go crazy with any part of it and passed on dessert. But the main event, I skipped. I didn't socialize with anyone but Valerie - that's all I needed anyway - and I didn't attend Santa's gift distribution. The idea of sitting in a room filled with 200+ people and having to squeeze between them when my name was called - just didn't do it for me.

I am hopeful that when the weight comes off, my social anxiety will be a little more subdued and I can not only occasionally attend these events, but I can have some fun at them as well. I am hopeful but not convinced. Weight loss may have nothing to do with this social anxiety I seem to have.

Go big or go hoome

With the possibility of GBS (gastric bypass surgery) coming up, why not put down some mean numbers. I weigh 325 today. My optimal weight is about 125. That means I have about 200 pounds to lose. Un fucking real.

Surgery update

Weighed in last night at 324.something. Unreal. It was really good to go and I stayed for the support group last night. One chick there had her 6 month check up that same day and had hit the 100 pound mark. Can you imagine that? Losing 100 pounds in 6 months? Amazing stuff.

So what I heard was basically this...the lap band didn't work for me, as it doesn't for 1/3 of the people. Now, my best choice is to go ahead with the gastric bypass surgery. At a cost of $24,000 I don't know that my mom can cover that. I have some I can contribute but she'd be loaning me the rest. It's a lot of money. I sure as shit don't have it. So I'm on hold now until the holidays when I can talk to her about it. It's a severe surgery but I am in a desperate situation right now. Self-pay takes about 6 weeks to get the surgery.

So freaking nervous

I'm so nervous about my meeting tonight. Under 2 hours before I leave for this meeting. Today could be the start of a new life for me. Better yet if insurance covers this procedure. Please God let it be covered.

Bundle of Nerves

I am a bundle of nerves about tonight. Last time it took about 2 months to get the surgery date but I seem to remember that being a bit of a fluke with the holidays. No one wanted their surgery the day before thanksgiving except me. So anyhow, I am nervous about showing up tonight and feeling bad about my failed attempts for 3 years. But I have to go. I wish there was someone that would go with me but I don't have anyone here that I'd ask to do that. ....Wish me luck.

Change of Blog

Today my blog officially changes from one of pessimism and despair to one of optimism and hope. I am not going to fight the battle of the bulge myself anymore. I am enlisting the help of a surgeon. I can't do this on my own. I have been seriously overweight since I was 10 years old and in the 3rd grade. I need help. More help than I've gotten in the past. More help than with my stupid lap band that I got 3 years ago.

Tomorrow night I am biting the bullet and driving down to Celebration to attend the meeting to get things started. I hope it goes well. I am concerned that they may just turn me away as a failure. I feel like one. My surgeon has suggested a lap band revision to the bypass.My mom - bless her heart - has offered to loan me the money. This is doable. I can do this. I'm reading the forums. I'm excited and I feel like there is a tiny ray of light starting to peek through the darkness. It took a lot for me to get here. I hope I am welcomed tomorrow night.

Dead Battery

To my great dissatisfaction, my bathroom scale broke this morning. Rather, the batteries ran out of juice. I was so bummed out as I really wanted a reading today. I felt thinner today for some reason. It's on my list of things to do tonight (get a new battery) so stay tuned tomorrow for the results.

316 good progress today

only 1 pound to go for this immediate loss goal and 16 to go for my main goal. It adjusts after every big mental point. This weight loss going to 300 is my Andy weight.
Other goal weights include:

• 290 art show weight


• 270 Mike weight


• 264 Miami weight


• 250 Veritest weight


• 240 highest weight in grad school


• 200 college weight


• 180 lowest weight ever

3..1..5..

yoyoing in the upper teens right now. I can't believe that one meal sends the scale up and up. Anyway I am trying to hit 315 right now and am having a hard time getting the scale down there where I want it to be.

Reasons

1. Would like to fit in Valerie's Porsche
2. Would like to go up stairs without taking a break mid-way
3. Want to find me an Andy
4. Want to be less socially awkward
5. Not have to worry about fitting in a booth
6. Not having to eyeball hallways and such for obstacles that would make making it through cleanly impossible
7. Better health
8. Not feel self-conscious when being outside
9. Not have to hide from the neighbors for fear of what they might think
10. Walk at work without worrying about the floor bouncing and disturbing others
11. Be able to get my haircut and not feel bad looking myself in the mirror
12. Be able to go to the dentist or laser place without worrying about the chair
13. Not worry about breaking a message table by leaning on it too hard
14. Wear thinner clothes
15. Shop in a non-plus size store
16. Shop in a plus size (not extended sizes) store
17. Be less grumpy
18. Be able to walk a fair amount without getting tired
19. Be able to stay up past 8pm
20. Have a sex life
21. Not feel ashamed when taking an elevator
22. Be able to take the stairs at work
23. Not obsess about new surgery that I can't afford
24. Get off blood pressure medicine
25. Have less of a hard time in the heat
26. Sweat less
27. Buy clothes that fit me (instead of things that are too big)
28. Not feel self concsious at the grocery store
29. Not die from coworkers in the kitchen
30. Fit into my awesome new biker clothes
31. Have my awesome new biker clothes become too big on me
32. Stop craving sweets
33. Wear my leather skirt
34. Button my leather jacket
35. Wear my blue/black shirt
36. Wear my tights
37. Get rid of back fat
38. Get rid of shelf butt
39. Get nice compliments
40. Feel less conscious at the pool
41. Be less afraid to do things alone
42. Laugh again
43. Smile again