Christmas Party Hell

Today I skipped my work Christmas party. Because of my weight and how I feel about myself. I hid in my cube until someone peeked in and guilted me into joining the food line. I had a decent lunch and didn't go crazy with any part of it and passed on dessert. But the main event, I skipped. I didn't socialize with anyone but Valerie - that's all I needed anyway - and I didn't attend Santa's gift distribution. The idea of sitting in a room filled with 200+ people and having to squeeze between them when my name was called - just didn't do it for me.

I am hopeful that when the weight comes off, my social anxiety will be a little more subdued and I can not only occasionally attend these events, but I can have some fun at them as well. I am hopeful but not convinced. Weight loss may have nothing to do with this social anxiety I seem to have.

Go big or go hoome

With the possibility of GBS (gastric bypass surgery) coming up, why not put down some mean numbers. I weigh 325 today. My optimal weight is about 125. That means I have about 200 pounds to lose. Un fucking real.

Surgery update

Weighed in last night at 324.something. Unreal. It was really good to go and I stayed for the support group last night. One chick there had her 6 month check up that same day and had hit the 100 pound mark. Can you imagine that? Losing 100 pounds in 6 months? Amazing stuff.

So what I heard was basically this...the lap band didn't work for me, as it doesn't for 1/3 of the people. Now, my best choice is to go ahead with the gastric bypass surgery. At a cost of $24,000 I don't know that my mom can cover that. I have some I can contribute but she'd be loaning me the rest. It's a lot of money. I sure as shit don't have it. So I'm on hold now until the holidays when I can talk to her about it. It's a severe surgery but I am in a desperate situation right now. Self-pay takes about 6 weeks to get the surgery.

So freaking nervous

I'm so nervous about my meeting tonight. Under 2 hours before I leave for this meeting. Today could be the start of a new life for me. Better yet if insurance covers this procedure. Please God let it be covered.

Bundle of Nerves

I am a bundle of nerves about tonight. Last time it took about 2 months to get the surgery date but I seem to remember that being a bit of a fluke with the holidays. No one wanted their surgery the day before thanksgiving except me. So anyhow, I am nervous about showing up tonight and feeling bad about my failed attempts for 3 years. But I have to go. I wish there was someone that would go with me but I don't have anyone here that I'd ask to do that. ....Wish me luck.

Change of Blog

Today my blog officially changes from one of pessimism and despair to one of optimism and hope. I am not going to fight the battle of the bulge myself anymore. I am enlisting the help of a surgeon. I can't do this on my own. I have been seriously overweight since I was 10 years old and in the 3rd grade. I need help. More help than I've gotten in the past. More help than with my stupid lap band that I got 3 years ago.

Tomorrow night I am biting the bullet and driving down to Celebration to attend the meeting to get things started. I hope it goes well. I am concerned that they may just turn me away as a failure. I feel like one. My surgeon has suggested a lap band revision to the bypass.My mom - bless her heart - has offered to loan me the money. This is doable. I can do this. I'm reading the forums. I'm excited and I feel like there is a tiny ray of light starting to peek through the darkness. It took a lot for me to get here. I hope I am welcomed tomorrow night.