Jan 12th

My insurance turned me down for WLS. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. That is what I figured would happen. No mention of a 6 month nutrition program like some people, just flat out denial.

The next step is to get with the surgeon and discuss the surgery options. My apt. is Jan 12th. That feels like such a long ways away. It's 3 weeks for crap's sake. So much for getting surgery 6 weeks into the process. Lies... So I wait for the 12th to roll around.

Christmas Party Hell

Today I skipped my work Christmas party. Because of my weight and how I feel about myself. I hid in my cube until someone peeked in and guilted me into joining the food line. I had a decent lunch and didn't go crazy with any part of it and passed on dessert. But the main event, I skipped. I didn't socialize with anyone but Valerie - that's all I needed anyway - and I didn't attend Santa's gift distribution. The idea of sitting in a room filled with 200+ people and having to squeeze between them when my name was called - just didn't do it for me.

I am hopeful that when the weight comes off, my social anxiety will be a little more subdued and I can not only occasionally attend these events, but I can have some fun at them as well. I am hopeful but not convinced. Weight loss may have nothing to do with this social anxiety I seem to have.

Go big or go hoome

With the possibility of GBS (gastric bypass surgery) coming up, why not put down some mean numbers. I weigh 325 today. My optimal weight is about 125. That means I have about 200 pounds to lose. Un fucking real.

Surgery update

Weighed in last night at 324.something. Unreal. It was really good to go and I stayed for the support group last night. One chick there had her 6 month check up that same day and had hit the 100 pound mark. Can you imagine that? Losing 100 pounds in 6 months? Amazing stuff.

So what I heard was basically this...the lap band didn't work for me, as it doesn't for 1/3 of the people. Now, my best choice is to go ahead with the gastric bypass surgery. At a cost of $24,000 I don't know that my mom can cover that. I have some I can contribute but she'd be loaning me the rest. It's a lot of money. I sure as shit don't have it. So I'm on hold now until the holidays when I can talk to her about it. It's a severe surgery but I am in a desperate situation right now. Self-pay takes about 6 weeks to get the surgery.

So freaking nervous

I'm so nervous about my meeting tonight. Under 2 hours before I leave for this meeting. Today could be the start of a new life for me. Better yet if insurance covers this procedure. Please God let it be covered.

Bundle of Nerves

I am a bundle of nerves about tonight. Last time it took about 2 months to get the surgery date but I seem to remember that being a bit of a fluke with the holidays. No one wanted their surgery the day before thanksgiving except me. So anyhow, I am nervous about showing up tonight and feeling bad about my failed attempts for 3 years. But I have to go. I wish there was someone that would go with me but I don't have anyone here that I'd ask to do that. ....Wish me luck.

Change of Blog

Today my blog officially changes from one of pessimism and despair to one of optimism and hope. I am not going to fight the battle of the bulge myself anymore. I am enlisting the help of a surgeon. I can't do this on my own. I have been seriously overweight since I was 10 years old and in the 3rd grade. I need help. More help than I've gotten in the past. More help than with my stupid lap band that I got 3 years ago.

Tomorrow night I am biting the bullet and driving down to Celebration to attend the meeting to get things started. I hope it goes well. I am concerned that they may just turn me away as a failure. I feel like one. My surgeon has suggested a lap band revision to the bypass.My mom - bless her heart - has offered to loan me the money. This is doable. I can do this. I'm reading the forums. I'm excited and I feel like there is a tiny ray of light starting to peek through the darkness. It took a lot for me to get here. I hope I am welcomed tomorrow night.

Dead Battery

To my great dissatisfaction, my bathroom scale broke this morning. Rather, the batteries ran out of juice. I was so bummed out as I really wanted a reading today. I felt thinner today for some reason. It's on my list of things to do tonight (get a new battery) so stay tuned tomorrow for the results.

316 good progress today

only 1 pound to go for this immediate loss goal and 16 to go for my main goal. It adjusts after every big mental point. This weight loss going to 300 is my Andy weight.
Other goal weights include:

• 290 art show weight


• 270 Mike weight


• 264 Miami weight


• 250 Veritest weight


• 240 highest weight in grad school


• 200 college weight


• 180 lowest weight ever

3..1..5..

yoyoing in the upper teens right now. I can't believe that one meal sends the scale up and up. Anyway I am trying to hit 315 right now and am having a hard time getting the scale down there where I want it to be.

Reasons

1. Would like to fit in Valerie's Porsche
2. Would like to go up stairs without taking a break mid-way
3. Want to find me an Andy
4. Want to be less socially awkward
5. Not have to worry about fitting in a booth
6. Not having to eyeball hallways and such for obstacles that would make making it through cleanly impossible
7. Better health
8. Not feel self-conscious when being outside
9. Not have to hide from the neighbors for fear of what they might think
10. Walk at work without worrying about the floor bouncing and disturbing others
11. Be able to get my haircut and not feel bad looking myself in the mirror
12. Be able to go to the dentist or laser place without worrying about the chair
13. Not worry about breaking a message table by leaning on it too hard
14. Wear thinner clothes
15. Shop in a non-plus size store
16. Shop in a plus size (not extended sizes) store
17. Be less grumpy
18. Be able to walk a fair amount without getting tired
19. Be able to stay up past 8pm
20. Have a sex life
21. Not feel ashamed when taking an elevator
22. Be able to take the stairs at work
23. Not obsess about new surgery that I can't afford
24. Get off blood pressure medicine
25. Have less of a hard time in the heat
26. Sweat less
27. Buy clothes that fit me (instead of things that are too big)
28. Not feel self concsious at the grocery store
29. Not die from coworkers in the kitchen
30. Fit into my awesome new biker clothes
31. Have my awesome new biker clothes become too big on me
32. Stop craving sweets
33. Wear my leather skirt
34. Button my leather jacket
35. Wear my blue/black shirt
36. Wear my tights
37. Get rid of back fat
38. Get rid of shelf butt
39. Get nice compliments
40. Feel less conscious at the pool
41. Be less afraid to do things alone
42. Laugh again
43. Smile again

Jean's boots

I have this friend that has been losing weight for months now. She looks fantastic. Of course she says a lot of things about being fat and her fat clothes etc...Makes me irritated as I have 100 pounds on her. Who is she to complain and bitch? But I digress.

She was feeling down this weekend and wanted to do something to make herself feel better. She had the idea of buying this high boots and wearing them with a skirt that would make her look and feel good. I thought it was rather conceited until I remembered that I have one of those outfits in my closet too. It's a black leather skirt in a size 22 or so and a blue/black coresetted top. I need to be around 260 in order to pull that outfit off. Maybe we aren't so different after all.

Mike called

My ex-boyfriend Mike called last night. I haven't talked to him in about 6 months. It was really nice to hear his Southern accent. He asked me if I was dating and I was pretty honest about it but gave the edited version. I don't feel like dating right now because I don't feel sexy or desirable in any way. I made a joke about how when he and Andy left town, they broke me. Well let's see... between Sept of last year and when they left I had gained 35 pounds. From the time they left until now I'm up 15 more. So that statement wasn't correct as it pertains to my weight. My emotions maybe but I guess my weight gain is really my own damn fault.

On the road to 310

Under 315 now..on the road to 310. Good start this week.

All I can say

is start over....I have 51 days before I fly home for Christmas. Is 4 pounds a week for 7 weeks out of the question? That's what Nurisystem puts you at if you don't supplement meals with other food. I'm going to try.

Fear Factor

Last night I ordered out. I gorged myself on salad and some pasta from one of my favorite places. I am afraid to step on the scale these days. I know it's up even further than last week. I want to win the lottery and have the surgery...It'd be the very first thing I'd do with the money. But until then I guess I'd better get with it.

It has of course dawned on me recently that I hate myself, hate the way I look, hate where I am at in my life, and I really hate my job these days. If I can harness all that hatred, maybe I can make an improvement and if that happens, maybe I won't be so down about the job all the time.

2 pigs

What did one pig say to the other? You dressed just like xxxx today. You two could be twins.

How does a pig get off saying that to me?

God I'm in a lousy mood today.

Highway 305

Headed towards 305 right now. weighed in today at 310.0. I think today it really hit me how much I weigh. I'm not used to seeing numbers in the 300s and the shock of it really hit home. I hope it won't be long 2-3 weeks before I'm not in the 300s anymore.

Last night I had a soap making class. I worried about the chairs, then I worried about sliding off the chair. Then I worried about breaking the chair every time the thing creaked beneath me. Then I worried about passing people in the class because of where they were standing...was there enough room for me to get by them? This is running and ruining my life.

Dining Out

I think that all hostesses should be taught some people skills. If a large person enters your restaurant and wants to be seated, why do you take them to the tinniest booth in the place or a place that is so crowded with people, tables, and chairs that it resembles an airliner. Moreso than that, why do my friends not understand that going out to eat is traumatic for me. First of all there is the fear of being seated "will i fit in that booth?" as I eyeball all the tables around. Second, if I eat out, I will blow my diet. It only takes eating out a single time for me to remember how good food is and how much I miss it. And once that starts, it's so damn hard for me to catch it and stop it. Like a runaway train.

The only answer is for me to lose some and to watch what I eat when dining out. If I make salads an option, then that is better for me in more ways than one. And to lose some weight so I fit in the damn booths. Eventually maybe I won't have anxiety about being seated at all. That's a long road ahead of me but today has been good to me.

Dread

I have become the person that others don't want to be. They look at me not with pity but with disgust. I ordered a box of Nutrisystem again today. When I stick to it, it works. My point of no return is eating out. Once I start, I can't stop and it continues day after day until the scale starts to go up and up again. Why is it that the thing I want the most is so damn elusive to me? I'm at my wits end.

Everything hurts

I'm surprised that my weight has ballooned back up into the 300's. What is even more surprising is how freaking tired I am all the time and how even the smallest amount of exercise wears me out. I used to go for walks every night and I miss that. I was up to 30 min on the elliptical. Now I can pull out 10 with a mighty effort. I'm looking forward to getting some of this off so I can just plain move easier.

YoYo

yes, I yoyo'd. Exactly as they say you will do. These days I'm on Nutrisystem. Because I'm mostly vegetarian, the food is limited and I'm pretty tired of the mushroom risotto and pizza offerings. I have ballooned back up...topping out at 314 earlier last week. Now in the 309 range. I can't believe I went over 300 again. Totally depressing. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and just can't believe it. I started putting it on last September or so with a trip to Miami. Got a taste for food that I could not stop.

Now I have a plane trip coming up again in about 3 weeks. I should be able to shed 10 or so pounds by then if I keep on it. I'm trying with food - not exercise yet. That'll kick in eventually.